Humor

“In the beginning God Created BROCOLLI”

In The Beginning, God created the Heaven and the Earth. And the Earth was without form, and void, and darkness was upon the face of the deep.

And the Devil said, "It doesn't get any better than this."

And so God created Man in His own image; male and female He created them.

And God looked upon Man and Woman and saw that they were lean and fit.

And God populated the earth with broccoli and cauliflower and spinach and green and yellow vegetables of all kinds, so Man and Woman would live long and healthy lives.

And so God created the healthful yogurt, that Woman might keep her figure. But the Devil brought forth chocolate. And Woman gained five pounds.

And so the Devil created McDonald's. And McDonald's brought forth the 79-cent double cheeseburger. And the Devil said to Man, "You want fries with that?" And Man said, "Super size them." And Man gained five pounds.

And God said, "Try my crispy fresh salad." And the Devil brought forth Ben and Jerry's. And Woman gained 10 pounds.

And God said, "Why doth thou eatest thus? I have sent thee heart-healthy vegetables and olive oil with which to cook them."

But the Devil brought forth chicken fried steak so big it needed its own platter. And Man gained 10 pounds and his bad cholesterol went through the roof.

And so God brought forth running shoes. And Man resolved to lose those extra pounds.

And the Devil brought forth cable TV with remote control so Man would not have to toil to change channels between ESPN and ESPN2. And Man gained another 20 pounds.

And so God brought forth the potato, A vegetable naturally low in fat and brimming with nutrition.

And the Devil peeled off the healthful skin and sliced the starchy center into chips and deep-fat fried them. And the Devil created sour cream dip.

And Man clutched his remote control and ate the potato chips swaddled in
cholesterol. And the Devil saw and said, "It is good."

And Man went into cardiac arrest. And God sighed and created Quadruple bypass surgery.

And the Devil canceled Man's health insurance.

So God showed Woman how to peel the skin off chicken and cook the nourishing whole grain brown rice.

And the Devil created light beer so Man could poison his body, while feeling righteous because he had to drink twice as much of the now-insipid brew to get the same buzz. And Man gained another 10 pounds.

And Woman ventured forth into the land of Godiva chocolate, and upon returning asked Man, "Do I look fat?" And the Devil said, "Always tell the truth." And Man did.

And Woman went out from the presence of Man and dwelt in the land of the divorce lawyer, east of the marriage counselor.

And the Devil said, "It doesn't get any better than this."

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The Senility Prayer

Grant me the senility to forget the people I never liked anyway, the good fortune to run into the ones I do, and the eyesight to tell the difference.

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Three Wishes Granted

A woman was out golfing one day when she hit her ball into the woods.

She went into the woods to look for it and found a frog in a trap. The frog said to her, "If you release me from this trap, I will grant you 3 wishes."

The woman freed the frog. The frog said, "Thank you, but I failed to mention that there was a condition to your wishes - that whatever you wish for, your husband will get 10 times more, or better!"

The woman said, "That would be okay."

For her first wish, she wanted to be the most beautiful woman in the world.

The frog warned her, "You do realize that this wish will also make your husband the most handsome man in the world, an Adonis, that women will flock to?"

The woman replied, "That will be okay because I will be the most beautiful woman and he will only have eyes for me."

So, KAZAM - she's the most beautiful woman in the world!

For her second wish, she wanted to be the richest woman in the world.

The frog said, "That will make your husband the richest man in the world and he will be ten times richer than you."

The woman said, "That will okay because what's mine is his and what's his is mine."

So, KAZAM she's the richest woman in the world!

The frog then inquired about her third wish, and she answered, "I would like a very mild heart attack."