Wednesday, August 13, 2008

Unable to resist......

Well, I heard about this from a friend and thought I might post this here. The following items are actually up for bid on e-Bay Australia. For all those jilted ladies out there......


Once upon a time there was a women who, after 22 years of marriage, found evidence that the soon to be ex-husband, had had 'The Tart' in their marital bed this very afternoon. This low life deceitful son-of-a-person ( I'm all for political correctness) blatently denied that this event took place even though the evidence is irrefutable and is now up for auction on e-bay.

The first tiny warning bells started ringing around about the same time a text message was received by the wife stating 'Where are you darling, I'm waiting'. As the wife had left the soon to be ex-husband at home only a couple of hours earlier to go to work, she thought it somewhat strange getting a message of that ilk from him. After a while curiosity got the better of her and with some trepidation, she decided to go home after telling her boss she had an upset stomach, which was no lie. When she arrived home an hour or so later, everything seemed normal but she couldn't shake the feeling that something wasn't quite right. His car was parked in the drive-way where she had seen it earlier on and when she got inside, there he was infront of the T.V. watching a DVD as usual. She explained she wasn't feeling too well and said she was going to lie down for a while. His re-action to this was a bit odd to say the least. 'Why don't you lie down here on the couch for a while and I'll get you a cup of tea', he said. That was her first clue that something really was amiss here. Call him chauvinistic if you want and you would be right because this low-life had never made her a cup of tea in over 22 years of marriage.... so why offer now. Yep, you guessed it, he didn't want her going into the bedroom.... now why was that you may ask. She concluded later that 'The 'Tart' must have been in the process of getting her ass dressed and out of there pronto when she had unexpectedly arrived home. Of course she made a bee line for the bedroom then, with soon to be ex-hubby on her heels and apart from an unmistakable aroma of some cheap perfume resembling nail polish remover hanging in the air, nothing seemed to be different - except for one thing. Oh, you men, you will never understand why we have those, annoying to you though they may be, throw pillows and cushions on a bed and what they mean to us women. They are aesthetically important to our decor and when you see them piled up on a chair in a corner of the room, instead of on the bed where you arranged them a few hours ago, those tiny warning bells you heard earlier were now starting to sound like 'Big Ben'. Walking over to the bed, she started slowly taking it apart whilst the soon to be ex-husband stood in the doorway watching. Initially, when she first took the doona cover off, she was sure he just thought she was going to have a lie down but he was oh so very wrong. After the doona was deposited on the floor, she picked up her pillow, turned it over, checked under where it had been and then threw it on the floor. Then came his pillow, she picked it up and here was where she found the first of the two items up for auction - an empty condom packet. With forefinger and thumb, it was gently lifted from the bed and dangled in front of the soon to be ex-husband's nose. He had, by then, turned a lovely shade of red and you could see his mind was racing,... 'how the hell am I going to get out of this'. He then said the only inane thing he could come up with at the time which was, 'What's that?'. As a couple, they had not used condoms for many years, or at least she hadn't, but surely that didn't mean he could have forgotten what one looked like! For some reason, she continued to strip the bed and when the top sheet was removed the location of the 2nd item up for auction, 'The Tart's' knickers, were discovered at the foot of the bed.

Explanations were needed pronto and would you beleive it, he actually came up with some. They were all a pack of lies and instead of admitting it, apologizing and starting to grovel, this is what he came up with. 'I dropped my phone down the toilet, I didn't want to put my hands down there and I could't get it out with the toilet brush so I used a condom because I couldn't find any rubber gloves'. Well, well, well, that was thinking on your feet eh! She thought she had heard it all now but figured she would see how big a hole he really was keen to dig for himself so she then asked. ' When was that then and where did you get the condom from?'. He replied, 'It happened just after you left for work and I rummaged around and found one in the pocket of an old jacket in the wardrobe'. 'So how is your phone then, is it working?' she asked... 'No, it's stuffed', he replied. 'So how do you explain sending me a text message a couple of hours after I was at work then'. 'What message? It wasn't from me, my phone's not working', he replied but noticed he had gone a funny shade of green as it began to sink in that he had actually sent the text to her by mistake. 'What about these knickers then, what are they doing in our bed and whose are they', she asked thinking to herself, this will be good. She wasn't disappointed, as blatant as lies go, it was a classic. 'Sorry love, I've been meaning to tell you for years but I am a closet transvestite and they are mine'.

10 out of 10 for trying buddy but your out of here........ systematically his clothes were gathered up and thrown out the front door along with 'The 'Tart's' knickers which, after second thoughts, were scooped up and retrieved. YES, there really is a God for it started to rain then. Not just that fine rain which gets on your damn nerves but bucket loads of torrential rain which the soon to be ex-husband found himself standing in whilst calling the soon to be ex-missus all the names under the sun. He was gathering up his wet soggy clothes and the photo she had thrown at him of them outside the church on their wedding day (she thought that maybe a nice touch) when he screamed out for his car keys and wallet. Off she went to get them and with no hesitation, handed them over and told him to get lost in no uncertain terms then watched as he drove away. Dangling in her hand was the key she had slipped off his keyring, to the soon to be ex-husband's 'Harley Hog', his pride and joy - which brings me nicely to the next item that will probably be sold on Ebay at a start price of.99c and of course, with no reserve!

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I am interested in CNG vehicles because they are good for the environment and aren't powered by dead Marines. I still have a little hope for the world. Read the musings and enjoy.