Wednesday, December 26, 2007

Stolen from my brother......

According to the Alaska Department of Fish and Game, while all reindeers sprout antlers in the summer, male reindeer drop theirs at the beginning of winter while the females retain them till after birthing in the spring. So, thusly, with full racks of pointy antlers in the wintertime, all of Santa’s reindeers, from Rudolph to Blitzen, are actually girls! It makes sense – think about this -- only women would be able to drag a fat-ass man in a red velvet suit all around the world in one night and not get lost.


These are purported to be from real “report cards” and the teachers who wrote them have been “reprimanded.” (I believe the reason would be that some of these are HARSH! But they are also funny..

1.) …Since my last report, your child has reached rock bottom and has started to dig.

2.) …Your son is depriving a village somewhere of an idiot.

3.) …I would not allow this student to breed.

4.) …He sets low personal standards and then consistently fails to achieve them.

5.) …Your child has delusions of adequacy.

6.) …This student has a ‘full six-pack’ but lacks the plastic thing to hold it all together.

7.) …He’s been working with glue too much.

8.) …The gates are down, the lights are flashing, but the train isn't coming.

9.) …The wheel is turning but the hamster is definitely dead.

10.) …It's impossible to believe the sperm that created this child beat out 1,000,000 others.

11.) …If this student were any more stupid, he'd have to be watered twice a week.

12.) …When your daughter's IQ reaches 50, she should sell!


Weird/ironic trivia facts found on the internets…

1.) Fish can get seasick!

2.) Pierre Michelin, inventor of the super-safe Michelin tire, died in a car accident.

3.) In 1957, entertainer and former Tonight Show host Steve Allen was on to a "Ten Best Dressed Men" list and also a "Ten Worst Dressed Men" list.

4.) Cyndi Lauper’s hit song "Girls Just Wanna Have Fun” was written by a man

5.) Kodak founder George Eastman, hated to have his picture taken.

6.) King George VI's first name was Albert

7.) Apollo 11 astronaut Buzz Aldrin's mother's maiden name was "Moon".

8.) The cigarette lighter was invented before the match

9.) The founder of the modern diner, P.J. Tierney, died of indigestion in 1917 -- after eating at a diner.


Personally, I’m really feeling #2/Flabbergasted and #3/Abdicate, especially after the in-laws copious holiday spread yesterday, and am definitely experiencing #10/Balderdash as I get older, and have recently been the recipient of #1/Coffee…

The Washington (DC) Post newspaper has a contest in which readers are asked to supply alternate meanings for common words. Here are some of the winning submissions to its 2007 contest:

1. Coffee, n. the person upon whom one coughs.

2. Flabbergasted, adj. appalled by discovering how much weight one has gained.

3. Abdicate, v. to give up all hope of ever having a flat stomach.

4. Esplanade, v. to attempt an explanation while drunk.

5. Willy-nilly, adj. impotent.

6. Negligent, adj. absentmindedly answering the door when wearing only a nightgown.

7. Lymph, v. to walk with a lisp.

8. Gargoyle, n. olive-flavored mouthwash.

9. Flatulence, n. emergency vehicle that picks up someone who has been run over by a steamroller.

10. Balderdash, n. a rapidly receding hairline.

11. Testicle, n. a humorous question on an exam.

12. Rectitude, n. the formal, dignified bearing adopted by proctologists.

13. Pokemon, n. a Rastafarian proctologist.

14. Oyster, n. a person who sprinkles his conversation with Yiddishisms.

15. Frisbeetarianism, n. the belief that, after death, the soul flies up onto the roof and gets stuck there.

16. Circumvent, n. an opening in the front of boxer shorts worn by Jewish men.

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I am interested in CNG vehicles because they are good for the environment and aren't powered by dead Marines. I still have a little hope for the world. Read the musings and enjoy.

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